Disappointments.

I hate when I disappoint my self. I hate it more when I disappoint others. I think I might have spent the good portion of the afternoon crying. I asked the wrong people about something, so I got the wrong answer... And I don't know how big the consequences are going to be. Part of me assumes automatic failure... which yay... Fucking six months down the drain because I got excited at the prospect of seeing my family for the first time in a month and going home for a day. I should have known better as a senior, going through four years. I don't know why I thought it ought to be any different or any other way. I don't. I can't stop crying and feeling like shit. Nothing anyone has said to me had made me feel any better about any of it. I try to work the hardest and be the best. I let myself down. All I want to do right now is stay in bed and not move for a week.... Fuck.

Missing A Piece That Was Never There

\Just posting because I keep thinking about something lately. It probably shouldn't affect me now at all, because I didn't even know this person but I can't stop thinking about her.

I miss my grandmother, Donna Fae. My Dad's mom.

She passed away from some sort of female genital cancer when he was a senior in high school, before he met my mom. So I never knew her and she never know me. My dad would always tell me stories about her because... I must have asked when I was little alot. We have this picture of her when she was young with a violin, which made me want to play the violin. I never got to because the one in the picture went to my cousin for some reason (which I was mildly bitter about then).

My mom would tell me that the night before I was born, it snowed. In March. So there was snow on the ground when I came in to this world and my mom said that it was a blessing from my grandma. So that is what I always thought snow was, a gift from my grandma (I still do sometimes). I also believed that she was my guardian angel, looking over my shoulder when ever I needed one. Because if she couldn't be there supporting me in this life, she would support me in the afterlife. I don't think my dad realizes how much I think about this woman or how much I miss her. I have cried about it a couple time, I am now.

When we did go to things that involved my dad's family, I would hear the adults say how much I looked like Donna and how I was just like her. That I was the spitting-image of her and all that. My dad says that if she was alive, she would be the biggest supporter of my work in the arts. I think that is one of the reasons I miss her the most. None of my family outside of my immediate one has ever shown any kind of support for the work I have been doing. Knowing that she would be at everything, cheering for me almost hurts.

I wish she was here. I think a lot of things might be different. I think we would have better relationships with my dad's side of the family. I think my dad might be a slightly happier person (not saying that he isn't). I think that I wouldn't feel this odd empty presence in my life when I think about family. I miss her.

Ah, the things of nightmares!

I love having normal seeming dreams that turn in to life-scarring nightmares just before you wake up so that there is no way for it to end happy. The best thing ever. Especially when it involves these... things...

If you don't know.... Be glad. If you do. I am sorry that I just reminded you of the fear-filled terror that is the Doctor Who episode "Blink". I shall leave you with this.

Ah, the joys of being home.

Ah, the glory of the small town life. It means the instant you walk out the door, you run in to five people that either make the rest of your day awkward or entertaining. Today was of the sort of awkward variety. I went and attended a play at the high school where I graduated from only to be there the same night as a ton of people that I knew from when I attended school there. And haven't talked to in a long time. A few of which we parted on more than rocky/bad terms..... Which lead to this reaction of mine



Which I should not really have that reaction cause who the f*ck cares, right? But no, I over-reacted. Like I always do and FREAKED OUT. Internally sort of and when someone talked to me, I was like llolk hahahahah WAHT. I am soooo glad that I can keep cool under pressure.

PS... Just realized that I forgot to mention something. I am the scenic design on one of the fall productions at school. Like I thought I would be. Muh ha ha.... Now back to freaking out.

Welcome To The Herd.

Sooooooo I am been introduced to My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.... And totally now part of the herd. CAUSE DAMN THOSE PONIES FOR BE IRRESISTIBLY CUTE AND ADORABLE! Every pony in the house say hey, heeey! And it is late. And I am on some weird steroids for my headaches which I am not really clear on how they are supposed to help me out. They just make my body feel numb and tingly. Blergh.

Speaking of Doctors, I had lab work done when I was in there and got the results back super quick. Everything looks ok except for my insulin levels which were way high. Damn. So that is a new push to get my butt up. I still have a gross bruise on my arm from where they took the blood from. A lot of blood. Like four or five vials of the stuff. Awesome. So the doctor is putting me on something called Metaformin which I guess is like some super pill. They use it for a bunch of stuff including encouraging weight loss and controlling insulin. That is cool.

Ummmmm.... Jon took me out today for a great lunch date for all you can sushi at Trappers which was super tasty... and I am now craving more. Even though I ate a bunch of super, super delicious sushi and felt like a little ball of raw fish waddling around all day. I think I find a new favorite place. Their food is just.... mmmmmmmm.. I could have tried everything on that menu if I could have had another stomach. And a better understanding how to pace myself. We popped over to Office Depot and got me a webcam so hooray for that! We went home, played some Fallout New Vegas then went out to see Kung Fu Panda 2 followed by sharing some Cold Stone Ice Cream. Awesome, wonderful date. I am not sure what I am gonna do when he is gone in 11 days... No one for super cute summer dates that I wear my cute summer dresses for. Poop.

OH! So I dyed my hair this color

back in like mid-march and it looks totally great. It faded though to like a sort of really light auburn red color. So I bought a new box of color today that was a different shade that looks like this

and I don't know if it is going to look good or crappy like some bad party store wig...

Summer Goals.

I have a few summer goals this year that I am going to be committed to seeing through to the end.
There they are in no particular order and the list might grow as I discover things I need to work on.
1. Pull together a real professional design portfolio (which mean taking pictures of scenic models, hunting down performance photos, and doing some maintenance on drafting plates followed by putting it all on pages)

2. Finish designing the Magic Flute and do final renderings so it can be a portfolio piece.

3. Lose weight for a friend's wedding. Aiming for like a size fourteen, starting out at like an eighteen right now. Soooo I have to start a stricter diet and working out which is going to start this week. I am going to cut out fast food, soda and gluten. That is going to be the hardest part for me. I love bread and baking. I started slowly doing gluten-free options this week and.... bleeergh it so far has been sort of bland and grainy tasting. I think it gonna take some getting used to buut I have been told that it is going to be good for me in the long-run. And there is a gluten free bakery in Kent by Kent-Merdian that has really good stuff... Wish me luck.

Drafting on Broadway and Cheesecake.

I am working on a gridded perspective of a set design for The Misnathrope... (to be honest, I forgot that was the play I was working on till now. Bad Scenic Designer) which allows a lot of time for thoughts to bounce around in my head.

I feel like something caged, biting at the bit. Waiting, annoyed for the next step. If I push too fast it will all topple on my. Patience is something I am going to have to learn.

UPDATE: Well, Sh*t.

So.... I am the world's worst blogger which is directly parallel to me being the worst friend in the world. I let things sort of sit and then fade away, and get so wrapped up in to something that I let other things slid away. People, blogs, homework, daily chores. I haven't really been able to find the balance so that everything gets taken care of in time. And it sucks. For instance, I was home over spring break a couple weeks ago. I could have called some friends and seen if they wanted to hang out. I forgot, more wrapped up in being a vegetable after the stress of Tom Thumb and wanting to attempt to play Dead Space (WHICH I failed at. Halo: Reach for the win, forever). It wasn't until Saturday night, the night before I was supposed to go back to Seattle that I even thought about contacting someone. Which I hate myself for neglecting this person. They really do mean a lot to me. They do and are on my mind often, when there is a spare moment to breathe. I had no idea what was going on till I talked to them over Facebook. Facebook? I should have txted them. I should have been txting them. I didn't know that their family member was doing so poorly or that person was hurting so badly. Not till we talked. And I felt like the shittiest friend there ever was. I have always had this habit of letting people fall by the wayside and I am fighting to make it stop. I don't know why I do this because once the person goes out, they are never interested in coming back in any serious way. Anyways here is the massive update of the firs part of spring semester.

January - I spent the first two weeks of this month back at school, before winter break was over in 406 with Hunt, drafting our asses off for Tom Thumb. There was a lot of smoke breaks, tape balls and copious amounts of Disney research done. I also spent a lot of time rendering in water colors. Like I do. Like a Boss. Also I am still trying to recover from the bomb-shell that Jon dropped on me in December, so there is a ton of crying for no reason. Brushing my teeth, start crying. Cooking with friends, start crying. Shopping with Mom, start crying. You get the gist.

February - Tons of time spent in the scene shop for the first time in a year which makes me kind of useless. Also moaning about theater freshmen who don't give a sh*t and just kinda do what they want. Little bastards. Every single t-shirt that I own also somehow gets paint on it. Be it a speck or a full on blotch, paint everywhere. I also wear out two pairs of my old jeans, so they now sport that awkward thigh hole. Met a scenic painter from Seattle Children's Theater who is an inspiration and super chill. Wish that I can work with her again sometime. Start fishing around for summer internships. Head in to "hell" also known as tech week with a lot, LOT of paint work left to be done. Yell curses at the props master for his own weird amusement as well as the amusement of the scenic designer. I work with strange, bizarre people.

March - The beginning was super intensely frantic. Busting ass until the opening of the show. Everyone loves the work that has been done, the theater department head loves the crest that I designed for the show. Leave preview beaming like a idiot as praises for the scenic designer's vision are sung. Though this may prove ill for me as I think I may have to do a scenic design for a show now. Something that makes me want to run away in absolute terror, screaming like a little girl. The show closes and strike is only mildly painful with me only wanting to punch a few of the freshmen. I directly have to move on to Cornish Dance Theatre in which I am designing... well more re-creating Pas de Quatre costumes. Lots of pale pink and tulle everywhere. I think I order close to a 100 yds of tulle. It is serious people. Playing with the tutus in the shop makes me want one to run about in. Also have stopped the random crying attacks. Or at least they are infrequent now. I am finally working out after saying that I will for a few months and trying to eat better which isn't too hard considering what they serve at school for food. All organic local stuff that usually isn't hunger inspiring so... thats going for me. Oh! Also my hard drive on my laptop decided to crash itself so I had to get a new one. Only able to save a few files from my old hard drive. So all my stories, my original work... is gone. All of it. Which was sort of a blow because I was just getting back into it. All I have left is the story about the serial killer and my fan-fiction from like ninth grade. Neither is good. I had an interview at Seattle Children's Theater for an internship position. Just waiting to hear back from them so I can decide on my living quarters for the next year. It is kinda looking like I will stay in the dorms again unless I can find somewhere cheaps with someone else. Also awkwardly contacted by someone. Sort of responded, if you can call it that. Nothing back. So I think it was a drunk thing. Whateva.

That is kind where I am at right now. Stress out, tired, overwhelmed and anxious. Nothing new.

Learning to Adjust

There are just some things in life that like to jump out in front of you and go "HA HA HA DEAL WITH ME, BETOCH!". I am then left reeling, trying to find my footing and slow down my heart beat to something that is sort of regular. I wish there was a better way out. A safer way. A way for you to be happy with how everything is shaping up. I think of the uniform and my stomach twists and then churns itself over and over. It scares me but at the same time I feel proud cause your things are getting themselves corrected. I wish there was a better way. :P