Saturday, April 14, 2012
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
On having a month left to figure out the rest of my life.
There is exactly one month left of classes at Cornish. Graduation is the following week.
I have no idea what I am doing. I didn’t think about things early enough. AGAIN. What the hell is wrong with me? Every time I think about graduation, my stomach knots up and I feel like I am either going to puke or faint. Maybe even both. I always start crying. If anyone mentions it, even briefly, I start off in to a fit of tears. I am crying right now because it is really fucking scary.
\\It scares the living shit of me. Mostly because I have no plans for afterwards. I mean… I have travel plans for the week after graduation, but besides that… Nothing. I had plans to apply to grad programs but no where accepts students straight out of undergrad programs. So that means I have to wait a year and try to get theater work. I was going to apply to internships but even those fell through because they got cancelled or people didn’t get my recommendation letters done. Now I all I can see is me working in retail and being miserable the rest of my life.
See. I have this giant fear that if I don’t get any theater work in the next six months that I will never work in theater. I will be passe and someone much more talented than me will get the job. Then I won’t have experience to show grad programs… so they won’t accept me. It is just so scary. I will be stuck in some dead-end job, living at my parents’ house and trying to pay off my student loans. Why the hell did I think going to a private art college was a great idea? Why didn’t I apply to a state school and become an accountant or something?
I mean… I love theater. I love designing and working with other designers. I get so excited about it and feel so empty when it is all over. This is what I want to do with my life. For the rest of my life. I love it so much.
I just don’t want to be a failure.
I have no idea what I am doing. I didn’t think about things early enough. AGAIN. What the hell is wrong with me? Every time I think about graduation, my stomach knots up and I feel like I am either going to puke or faint. Maybe even both. I always start crying. If anyone mentions it, even briefly, I start off in to a fit of tears. I am crying right now because it is really fucking scary.
\\It scares the living shit of me. Mostly because I have no plans for afterwards. I mean… I have travel plans for the week after graduation, but besides that… Nothing. I had plans to apply to grad programs but no where accepts students straight out of undergrad programs. So that means I have to wait a year and try to get theater work. I was going to apply to internships but even those fell through because they got cancelled or people didn’t get my recommendation letters done. Now I all I can see is me working in retail and being miserable the rest of my life.
See. I have this giant fear that if I don’t get any theater work in the next six months that I will never work in theater. I will be passe and someone much more talented than me will get the job. Then I won’t have experience to show grad programs… so they won’t accept me. It is just so scary. I will be stuck in some dead-end job, living at my parents’ house and trying to pay off my student loans. Why the hell did I think going to a private art college was a great idea? Why didn’t I apply to a state school and become an accountant or something?
I mean… I love theater. I love designing and working with other designers. I get so excited about it and feel so empty when it is all over. This is what I want to do with my life. For the rest of my life. I love it so much.
I just don’t want to be a failure.
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